Voice of Truth

I'm listening to this song by Casting Crowns called the Voice of Truth, I think. I just got the CD. I'm kind of new to Casting Crowns. "The Voice of Truth says do not be afraid." It's so reassuring to know that somebody else feels like this. When I hear that voice calling me to step out in faith, I get mad because I'm not sure that I can trust that voice and I'm even less sure that I can trust myself. Even if I make the decision that I wish I would make, how long will that decision last? How soon will I fall? It doesn't seem to take any time at all. So, when God calls me, I get mad. I don't ever want Him to stop calling, but yet at the same time I hate to hear Him because I know I'll fail again because I always fail. I HATE BEING A FAILURE. MY WHOLE LIFE THAT'S ALL I'VE DONE, FAIL AND FAIL AND FAIL AND FAIL. I'M SO TIRED OF FAILING. I HATE FAILING. I JUST HATE IT. I just can't bear trying anymore, so, in a way, I don't want to hear His voice, because then I'll feel compelled to try. But, I don't ever want to stop hearing His voice, because He's the only voice that loves me. I couldn't stand it if His voice ever went away. I just don't know what to do with the things He says, because I can't ever measure up.

I would not argue with Christians that say that our approach to life should be a reasonable response to Scripture, not generally based on unreliable dreams or visions, but Mark 14:13-16 has always perplexed me. It seems more magical than reasonable. How Jesus knew what He knew doesn't really worry me so much as the kind of indirect, imprecise, superstitious-sounding directions that he handed down to these disciples and expected them to carry them out without any question. Of course, they knew Him. They could see Him. They didn't have to test the spirits constantly as we do. Still, it seems strange. Jesus knew so much, why not just tell the disciples the name or the address of the place they were looking for? Why was he so strangely obscure? And, how God does or does not choose to do things is really not for me to question except in that it makes me wonder what kind of directions I should be expecting from Him.

Have I ever said bad things about Medicare Part D?

Medicare Part D is saving me some serious cash. I had thought that I wouldn't be able to get one of my meds because it wasn't covered by my Part D plan. Part D is saving me so much money that I can afford to buy it. It's not really all that expensive, just $20. So, whereas I was paying my druggist between $50-$70 a month. Now, I should come in around $35 a month.

Stem Cell Research

I thank "the view from her" for pointing out some interesting research on a stem cell therapy that might be as good as embryonic stem cells, and yet not involve a "disposable human" grown only for spare parts: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/4841786.stm

I read an editorial recently about how certain people, us silly Christians of course, are holding up important research just because we're paranoid about the "word" cloning. It's not the word. We're not stupid, and we're not scared of the new and the different as such. We have a different worldview. We believe in a soul that will live forever. We have no idea, at least as far as I know when that soul enters the body. Is it at birth? Is it at conception? Is it when the child becomes aware of itself as a separate being apart from its mother? Keep in mind that I'm not really talking about a personality. I'm talking about an eternal soul that will someday either wind up in heaven or hell. What is a soul? Where is it? Is there such a thing? You can't measure it scientifically. It is not provable. Therefore, all the nonsense from the pro-lifers about when life begins is rubbish. Life doesn't begin, at least not since a little before Adam. There was never any point in the womb when there isn't life. The womb is so absolutely bursting with life, it almost can't be contained. There is no beginning of life there, simply a passing of the baton through the umbilical cord to the next generation. When does that new life become sentient life? Who knows? What does that word mean, anyway? We don't really become sentient until we are finally born in heaven. Only then, do we really get the picture as to what it's all been about. Until then, we see dimly, through the haze of prior experiences that we're still trying to process. We are like a ball of tangled yarn.

I get lost in the maze of my own words and forget what I'm talking about. Oh, yeah, stem cells. I guess I can maybe understand why the scientific community is a little confused by the disconnect between our rhetoric and where we choose to place our outrage. If life begins at conception, aren't these embryonic stem cells already life that is being thrown away currently. We don't seem to have a problem with that, or at least I don't hear anybody protesting it. Am I wrong here? I don't really understand the science too well. Isn't a frozen embryo an egg and a sperm that have already been put together successfully? So, according to pro-lifers, it's a frozen baby. Why isn't that a big deal?

What I was going to say was, when a stem cell is grown or harvested or whatever, does the new life that was created when egg and sperm met and created this little sperm cell already have a soul? And how do we ensure that these little beings have at least an opportunity to choose heaven over hell? Little sperm cell missionaries? Chuckle.

"Educated"

Maria over on www.intueri.org/index.php?paged=2 seems to think that education can solve most of the world's problems. I so completely disagree with this point of view. I think that education is so overvalued. Education is like age. It only brings out more of what you were already. As an aged wine either becomes superb or becomes vinegar, so an aged person either becomes sweet or sour. Well, education is the same way. If you educate me, there's a certain little tripwire in my brain that will always be listening for something that I can use to kill myself with. I will be making A's, planning a successful life, doing fantastically, but as soon as I find a way to kill myself, I won't necessarily do it, but the countdown will have begun. Things will have started to get serious. Well, my suicidal ideation is neither here nor there. I don't need saving at all. I'm actually doing absolutely remarkable things according to my therapist. If you give education to somebody with the internal propensity to be the Unabomber, no amount of education is going to change that. If I'm not wrong, the Unabomber was extremely educated. Teach people to think.

Maria said: Perhaps people would be able to change their perspectives with greater ease and engage in problem-solving. How can I effect change without resorting to strapping bombs to my chest? How can I influence the situation without killing other people?

Yes, but you only change your perspective when you have some reason to. If you think you're right, and your way of thinking is working for you, what point is there in trying to change perspective? If you educate people who are inclined to strap bombs to their chests, they will build bigger bombs that don't have to be strapped to their chests but can be simply placed in a car outside. Education is an amplifier.

The Subject of Tongues

This is part of an email I got from Staff Chaplain/Instructor Timothy K. Bedsole SR.

I approach the subject of tongues based on the following principles:

1. Lordship Principle. It is the Giver of Gifts we are to seek above all; after that, the gifts a byproduct, or after-affect, of our relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ.

2. Historical Principle. In the text you mentioned, 1 Corinthians 14:39-40, Paul is dealing with a church that was having problems with leadership, worship, and a sense of direction. They were experiencing the challenge of living as a minority faith in a pagan society. I think it is good to understand the historical context of the scripture to better understand its application in today's world. It is comforting to me to know that what we face in today's society has been dealt with before and we can find wisdom in the Word of God for our life today. If that is true we need to look at how this scripture applies to today's Church. My interpretation is that if someone is speaking in tongues in a public setting there should be an order, or precedent, for the action. Mainly, is there an interpreter present to interpret what is being said? Paul gives guidance on this that I don't see followed in many worship services. We need to consider this when dealing with the gift of tongues.

3. Theological Principle. This is where it gets cloudy. I try to approach Christian Theology from a "systematic" study. Meaning I want to not look at just one scripture to form a belief but look through the Bible as a whole to gain a greater understanding of what God is trying to relate to us. In the ideas of Paul on tongues, you have to consider the book of Acts; and outside of the book of Acts and Corinthians there is not much mentioned on the gift of tongues -- be sure there are some who would differ with me on this -- and this means looking at what God was/is trying to do overall. With Acts, the speaking in tongues follows the outline given by Jesus in Acts 1:8 of the spread of the Gospel. Each time the event happens it parallels the words of Jesus to spread the gospel to Jerusalem, Judea, Samaria and the utter most parts of the earth. Go back and see if that parallel is there. To me the systematic approach asks, "How does this relate with the event in Corinthians, and how does it relate to the study of the Holy Spirit, the Believer's Sanctification, and of Spiritual Gifts?" Theologically, the Holy Spirit baptizes the believer upon salvation and the speaking of tongues is not a required "sign" of this event. Rather the fruits of the Spirit are more evidential signs of one being baptized in the Spirit. Of course you can tell I believe in one baptism and many fillings of the Holy Spirit. I don't believe that the speaking in tongues is evidence of a baptism of the Holy Spirit. I believe it is a language gift. In the case of Acts, it was used to spread the Gospel in the language of the hearer. In the case of Corinthians, I believe it is a language, or utterance, meant to edify the Church if there is a translator present. If it is practiced privately then it should be done privately and should be between you and God. I know this view is contested by many Baptists. My Criswell Study Bible notes tell me that Dr. Criswell believed, as do many Baptists, that the gift of tongues and prophecy ended with the CAnonization of the Bible. They interpret this from 1 Corinthians 13 where Paul mentioned, "Where there are tongues . . . they shall cease." I'm not ready to totally agree on that issue. I say this because there is too much other scriptural evidence to consider. However, I believe because of the "abuse" of the gift that thtere is some precedence for what they say.

4. Denominational Principle. Having gone through the Southern Baptist Educational system, I appreciate the training and understand some of the workings of our institutions of learning. I also know that the deeper things of God are a lifetime study. We do not always agree, and we do not always stay the same. The Baptist Faith and Message is a document meant to give a guideline, or basis, for Baptist belief. We are a complex denomination with many degrees of variations. The workings of a denomination are valuable over time. As Church history goes, there are many denominations that have "gone by the wayside" due to a weakening of their theology, which eventually weakened their congregations. This is the motivating factor in the Southern Baptist Denomination now. Understanding this helps you to know why you are hearing the things you do. Also, understand the IMB is only one part of the Southern Baptist Denomination. It only governs the missionaries overseas. This means that one Southern Baptist church may vary from another on its view of tongues. Understand we are a "bottom-up" group and we support the belief in the autonomy of the local church. That being said, I have attended Southern Baptist Churches in which I heard tongues in the worship service. We don't all agree on everything, but we try to get the basics together. That is the purpose of the Faith and Message. It is not a perfect document, but it is an attempt to keep us in agreement. It is an attempt to keep us from straying from God's word. I understand that this is not too popular in today's culture of individualism, but I still see the wisdom of a denomination - and the strength - as something we need to hold. Though there are many great non-denominational groups doing great ministry around the world, I see trouble ahead as the leadership and vision of these groups grow dim. They need something more to survive history, and this is where doctrine and denominations take hold. Having said this, I understand it is all in God's control and accept that He does not need any denomination to carry out his plan of redemtpion. He is Lord.

5. Personal Principle. This one I will save for another day. Just suffice it to say, Jesus is Lord and we are to seek Him as the Gift above the gifts.

I am not sure my words and thoughts are seamless - my wife tells me they are not - but I hope the thoughts do begin to add a measure of understanding to your interpretations. Don't worry about wasting my time. God called me to be a Pastor, and what you ask is what I am about. A saying I have read applies to your dilemma: "Science gives us big answers for small questions . . . while religion seeks to answer big questions with small answers." Keep seeking the answers in the Lord Jesus Christ. He will give you the answers that you need.

This was just enormously helpful for me. By posting it here, for one thing, I won't lose it.

Creative Potential

Over at http://marginal.typepad.com/, at the bottom of a post called "Home Repair," there's a statement that I like. "After God created the world, He rested. He didn't stop." That's a neat thought. I like that. "After God created the world, He rested. He didn't stop." Did he keep creating more original stuff? I've wondered. Everybody asks this question, as though it proves there must be extraterrestrial life, "How could there be that much stuff in the sky above us and no life on any of it?" I've always wondered if He takes the time when He can't stand to look at sin and goes and makes a lifeless galaxy or two. What does He do with His creative potential? Re-create us seems the obvious answer. I'm not sure about that, though. I don't see a lot of re-creation going on around here these days.

First Corinthians 14

Oh, Guys! Does anybody really understand 1 Corinthians 14? I thought it seemed like a perfectly simple passage. I thought the Southern Baptist church had just gone a little nuts on me. Then, today, I thought I'd better sit down and really study the passage before I go to really stirring up some serious dust in the Southern Baptist convention over a policy that I think is just flat-out wrong. (We're not letting people become missionaries if they speak in a "private prayer language." First Corinthians 14:39-40 says "So, my brothers, earnestly desire to prophesy, and do not forbid speaking in tongues. But all things should be done decently and in order." emphasis mine) Today though, as I was studying, it turns out that R. C. Sproul agrees with the SBC's position that Paul in ch. 14 is speaking of human languages, rather than any God-given ecstatic utterance. The whole chapter seems divided between things that make me nearly sure of one point of view and things that make me think the other. Is there any way to really understand this whole chapter well, or is this one that we're just going to have to wait until we get to heaven for?

Oh, Thank Goodness

Oh, thank goodness that last mistake was a mistake. I was getting pretty desperate. I didn't know what I was going to do. Now, I know what to do. I'm going out to celebrate. The formulary that AARP sent me in the mail was only a "Sample Formulary." I should have read it closer. It gave a website address on the back where you go to search the whole formulary, which I suppose is huge, bigger than they wanted to send out in the mail. The good news is that all the drugs that I thought were covered ARE covered. One that I've even always used generic for, I can afford to get the brand name for. The three drugs that I thought were going to cost me 70 some dollars are only going to cost me 15 dollars in copays. With that, I can afford to go back on the fourth drug. It only costs about 20 dollars. So, I'll be getting all my drugs for only about 35 dollars, a little less than half of what I thought I was going to be paying. Oh, what good news.

Formulary Madness (I am so ticked)

I thought that the biggest problem that I was going to have with Medicare Part D was just getting through the sign-up procedure. Not so. I got my card and packet from AARP MedicareRx Plan today. Two of the drugs that the formulary on Medicare's site said were offered by AARP are not listed in the packet that AARP sent me. So, I carefully examined Medicare's site and made this decision based on incomplete information. I thought that I could get three drugs (rather than the four I had been taking) for 70 some dollars. Instead, the plan will cover 2 for around 50 dollars. I am so upset that I think I'm just going to stop taking any of them. I'm confused and scared. My therapist was wants me to get a job, and now it's getting so expensive to buy medicine. I just want to shut down and not listen to anybody, curl up in a ball, sit here in my house and type lists of things. I'm scared. I don't know what to do.

Taxing Lobbyists

I just got something from Marion Berry that mentioned an attempt to reign in lobbyists in Washington. What would be wrong with them having to pay for access to legislators and their staffs?

Baffling Holiness

According to George Barna, holiness is a concept that is baffling to most Americans. I definitely understand. I'm pretty baffled myself. I remember reading Matthew 5:48 as a small child and coming to my mom very upset about it. Where do grace and holiness meet, other than in Christ, I mean? Somehow Christ is the answer to that question, isn't He? Galatians 2:17-21. Woodrow Kroll and Back to the Bible have an article referenced on Gospelcom, "How on Earth Can I Be Holy?" He quotes 1 Peter 1:16 and Titus 2:11-14. He quotes A.J. Gordon as saying, "I gravely fear than many Christians make the apostle's word, 'If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves,' the unconscious justification for a low standard of Christian living. It were almost better to overstate the possibilities of sanctification in an eager grasp after holiness, than to understate them in complacent satisfaction with a traditional unholiness." My brother and I have used a scripture, but it's not that one. Was it "There is none righteous, no not one," or "All have sinned and come short of the glory of God"? I don't remember. We subjected our parents and Christian leaders to some measure of scrutiny. Finding no one who did pass muster, we naturally assumed that no one could. Very little about the church seems to be of God. It does seem like a very human institution.

Changed lives are the best proof that God exists and has something to offer that I should seek Him. If you grow up without changed and changing lives in front of you, then all the Bible in the world will often do little good. Just as these days, I can't see the real church in front of me because the vision of my family keeps intruding to cloud my vision. So also, people today can't see what the Bible is really saying because they interpret it through the lens of the church experiences. These cloud their ability to perceive what the text is really saying.

Bible Study Questions to Answer

This is taken from my notes on "Living By The Book" by Howard and William Hendricks, Moody Press, 1998.

I. Observation

What do I see? What are the facts? What key words are crucial to what the author has to say? Use a concordance to find where else these words are used. Chart the flow of the passage. View the parts in light of the whole. Look for "but," "and," & "therefore." Read the text out loud. Read it in a different place than usual to get a new feel for it. Read the passage in different translations and paraphrases. Rewrite the text in your own paraphrase.

Diagram sentences. Look for questions and answers in the passage. Climax and resolution. Cause and effect. Etc. Is the passage a letter? A narrative? A poem? Something else? What is the setting? Who are the people in the text? What does each person have to say?

How does the author feel? What was it like to be in his shoes? Read from the perspective of the different characters involved. Read from God's perspective. Read from Satan's perspective. Read from Jesus' perspective. Read from the perspective of someone who knows nothing of the Bible or religious things.

What are the relationships between the characters? What feelings might be involved? What practical considerations? What is happening? In what order? What happens to the characters? What is the argument? What is the point? What is the writer trying to communicate? What's wrong with this picture?Where is the narrative taking place? Where are the people in the story? Where are they coming from? Where are they going? Where were the original readers? When did the events in the text take place? When did they occur in relation to other events in Scripture? When was the writer writing? Why is this included? Why is it placed here? Why does this person say that? Why does someone in the story say nothing?

II. Interpretation

What does it mean? Bombard the text with questions. Look for the answers to your questions based on your observations. Put the answers together into a meaningful whole. Reconstruct the meaning of the passage after you've taken it apart to inspect the details. What can you discover about the original context in which this passage was written and applied? Given that original context, what does this text mean? What fundamental, universal truths are presented in this passage? Can you state that truth in a simple sentence or 2, a statement that anyone could understand? What issues in your own culture and your own situation does this truth address? What are the implications of this principle when applied to your life and the world around you? What changes does it require? What values does it enforce? What difference does it make? What questions remain unanswered? What problems does this text create? What issues does it speak to?

Is there an example to follow? Is there a sin to avoid? Is there a promise to claim? Is there a prayer to repeat? Is there a command to obey? Is there a condition to meet? Is there a verse to memorize? Is there an error to mark? Is there a challenge to face?

III. Application

So what? Ask yourself how this particular passage will work in your life. Ask yourself how this passage could transform others' lives

Nothing good happens fast. Be patient. Come to every text as if you've never seen it before. Read meditatively. Pray the passage for myself & others.

Prayer Requests

I can often tell when somebody's praying for me. It always starts me on the path of putting things right. I feel carried along. It's easier to make the right choices. It's suddenly easier to stand before God and make requests of Him myself. Those prayers are like a loan of faith to prime my pump with. Why does the church begrudge me that prayer? Paul's prayers were primarily for spiritual needs; when the church asks for prayer requests, why is it uncomfortable when they aren't physical? We act as though the physical world is the real world. At prayer meeting on Wednesday night, you can listen to the people speak for themselves, instead of just believing what the pastor says about them. How commited to God are Americans? It depends whom you ask. Two recent surveys by the Barna Group reveal a gap between the perception of pastors and the reality of their congregants' devotion to God. The average Protestant church leader believes that 70 percent of those in his or her church consider faith in God to be their top priority in life. Yet only 23 percent of Protestant church attenders claim their faith as first priority. The discrepancy may lie in different ways of measuring devotion to God. The pastors interviewed tended to assess devotion based on outward factors such as church attendance or participation in church-related ministries and activities.

Sunday School & Honesty

I had not been intending to talk over this thing that happened in Sunday School before. I had just decided to avoid Sunday School and all small groups. I knew that wasn't a great idea. I just didn't know what else to do. Yesterday, my therapist and I sat down and talked about what I needed to do differently in Sunday School and other small groups so that I could learn to negotiate them with more success. "Take a step back. Let other people lead the discussion. Don't be always trying to prove my worth by the information and insight I have to offer. Make it my goal to listen to other people's contributions and find value in what they have to say. Value possible relationships more than perfect understanding of the text."

What had happened before was that I heard my S.S. teacher talking about the times and recommended that he watch "Fight Club." He heard that it was a Brad Pitt movie and discounted it, as though Brad Pitt was the only reason a person would watch the movie. He's no fan of Mr. Pitt's so he had no interest in what I was trying to say to him. I wanted to scream. I felt so disrespected. Well, I sat down and watched my copy of "Fight Club" with my S.S. teacher in mind. Before, it has always seemed so profound. When I watched it through his eyes, though, it was just profane and violent. He'd never make it all the way through the movie to get to the point.

I just wanted to be regarded as an equal, rather than a child. I'm the same age as his daughter, Lori, but they speak of her as though she's a fellow adult. They talked like they respected and liked my little brother (14 years younger than me), telling me that he ought to be president one day. My brother and my mom talk about these two teachers (husband and wife) that teach my S.S. class like they're so wonderful. The thing is, it's my brother that showed me "Fight Club." I was so blown away by it that I promptly purchased it. My brother, when told of this teacher's reaction to my suggestion, looked down on me and said that he would never have mentioned it to this particular teacher, a man who really wears his Baptist faith on his sleeve at school and wherever he is. That seems so false, though. My brother lets people think they know him, but he's manipulating people with half truths -- the same way I used to, back before my 1988 car accident. Kevin talks like he's so touch, like he doesn't care what anybody thinks. He and my mom think that I am a slave to the opinions of others. They treat me with scorn.

"Good Will Hunting"

I bought the movie, "Good Will Hunting." I just watched through the commentary track. It made me want to move up to Boston where people are more liberal and wouldn't hate me so much. But, I think people would feel the same anywhere. I sit back as a spectator. I analyze and judge the rest of the world with this arrogant, superior attitude. I think I can tell them all what they're doing wrong and right, how they ought to live. But, I'm too scared to sctually live life. I don't engage in relationships. I'm too scared to have actual relationships. What I have are excuses.

Church Burnings

People who would burn the physical church are people who have had the people of the church, of many churches, over and over and over, value the church building more than they value them. It's one thing to feel unseen, unheard and unwanted in the church. It's another to then hear that church worshiping its building, pastoral staff, and the church itself in a sick idolatry. C.S. Lewis described this thing that I guess I'm seeing in "The Four Loves." When he described friend-love, he described a love that always has to exclude something. If a church cultivates that kind of friend-love which always excludes someone (he says it so much better than I do), then perhaps it is not the world that will burn down such churches, but unbalanced christians who have been hurt and hurt and hurt and hurt.

Meeting in houses and tents, Chinas church flourished. Europe, when it built big cathedrals, lost its faith. This country is building bigger and bigger churches. Do you see our faith getting stronger, as our churches get bigger, or weaker?

I would never burn down my church. Burning down the church would set a bad example for my nieces and nephews. It would make me a weight that they had to carry for the rest of their lives, more than I already am. And besides, if I got caught I'd get sent to jail. I went to jail once. I was there for a couple days because I couldn't afford bail money. Jail, for me, was hell. It was noisy. I couldn't be alone. There were too many loud personalities in conflict. It was like living at home. I'd rather die.

Going it alone

I'm not sure how much I'll be posting. I'm having to drop the internet until I get my finances straightened out. I'm going to be doing a lot of journaling. If I get access to the internet, say at the library or something, I'll maybe post some of the work I'll be doing while I'm not watching TV (had to let the cable TV go too) or messing around on the internet. I'm gonna try to really do some internal work on myself, take charge of my own recovery, instead of just drifting along from church to therapist to family and round and round and round, listening to whoever is speaking, not really sure who to believe, not at all sure I trust any of them. Well, forget that, I have a ton of really good books and workbooks, some Christian and some secular, that I have barely even begun. I've always wanted to teach these books, because I've thought that that's what it would take to get me to engage with them. Well, that's not gonna happen for very good reason. You can't teach what you haven't yet learned. They can talk about "facilitating" until they're blue in the face, but it really comes down to teaching. I wanna get my walk to start looking quite a bit more like my talk.

Part D Fiasco

GREENSPAN FOR PRESIDENT

When Republicans suggested Medicare Prescription Drug coverage, I applauded. Generally, I'm into smaller government. But, that hit below my high ideals, right around the area of my pocketbook. I've been trying to figure out how to make Medicare Part D work for me for a couple of days now. I just don't think it's going to.

I'll get into specifics in a minute, but before I lose you, I want to compare Medicare Part D to the whole managed care fiasco. My mom works with managed care. She says the whole thing is just a mess. To control a few fat cat doctors, we created a whole layer of fat cat bureaucracy to carry more and more money out of the whole system, causing the cost of everything to go up. Then, all the doctors and all the hospitals had to hire more personnel to deal with all the forms that this fat cat bureaucracy wanted filled out in triplicate. And the personnel that had to be hired, unfortunately had to be paid pretty well, because the resulting mess requires a MENSA candidate to figure out. Okay, now don't forget, managed care was supposed to SAVE us money, right. Well, have we done the same thing with Medicare prescription drugs, replaced a system that wasn't wonderful, with a whole lot of mid-level bureaucrats who we're going to pay to solve the problem. I just have a bad feeling that the bureaucracy is going to cost us more than the problem was costing us.

I'm on disability for a condition that causes me a lot of anxiety. I have been taking 1 mg of clonazepam (generic Klonopin) every night for a while. None of the plans in this area offer generic Klonopin or Ativan or Xanax (high anxiety meds I could maybe substitute for the Klonopin) So, Medicare Part D means I'm going to have to go off my narcotic unless I can appeal and get it covered. I think I can get my other three drugs for about $76/month. Maybe that doesn't sound like too much to you, but it's about the same as I've been paying . . . except I'll be getting one less drug.

I always assumed that when Congress funded prescriptions for Medicare recipients, they'd seriously cut funding for pharmaceutical companies. If I'm not mistaken, a lot of the funding was given with the understanding that while most of it would of course be used for research, the companies would also offer programs to give complementary medications to the poor. I've been getting free Wellbutrin from Glaxo-Wellcome for years. Wellbutrin is an enormously expensive little drug. I was pretty thankful. It's totally unique. There's nothing else that you can substitute for it. Now, I may have to switch to the generic version. To me, it just doesn't seem to work the same. I'll try it again, though.

I was thinking: What is congress going to do about drug company funding? There are a lot of indigent people who are not on Medicaid or Medicare . . . the working poor, in a way the most unlucky of all. I think Glaxo-Wellcome has thought of this. I have been noticing commercials saying how much they need that research money. Ya know, I wish Alan Greenspan would run for president. I think he's about the only one I'd trust to see the long view.

"House" & "Fight Club"

I just finished watching the first season of "House," a favorite show of mine. I had recently read an online editorial criticizing that show and several others that are favorites of mine for being kind of antisocial, of setting a bad example for people. In each of the shows this guy criticized, the characters mentioned had some pretty negative characteristics. He was right about that. But, "House" and a movie that he criticized, "Fight Club" have something in common. They say some pretty interesting things, things that are true. I got to thinking, what is it about "House" that I like. I think I've got it. In a day of information overload and political correctness, when everone is encouraged to be positive because we think we'll all kill each other off if we don't encourage everyone to play nicely, Dr. House dares to say the negative things that need to be said. After a day of saying positive, politically correct half truths to people that we really don't care for, we come home and turn on "House," where he does what we wish we could do, just tell people the plain, honest truth.

Fight Club is another show (a movie this time) that this columnist criticized. It did the same thing in a way. It said some things that we wanted to hear somebody say, because those things seem true. "Your father left you. . . . Did you ever think that God hates you?" says Tyler Durdan. The things he says ring so true with me, part of me is afraid those things might be true. Tyler teaches an unloved, unwanted generation to take control of its own destiny, in the most horrible way. I would never do the things, any of them, that he advocated. But, I am that generation. That's why I like that movie. It doesn't pat me on the head and reassure me that I'm loved. I'm tired of being patted on the head, as though I was a dog being petted. I have eyes of my own. People can keep telling me that I'm all wrong about everything until kingdom come, but I'm not blind. I wish I was. I can't stop seeing. Christians hate me because, as my therapist would say, I'm one of those people who just won't stop pointing out that there's an elephant in the living room. "Yeah, we know, we know. Hush, now." "Well, . . . Aren't we gonna do something about it?"